There does need to be an etiquette to expressions of interest or attraction; but I agree with you that to say one can never express interest or attraction, is oppression, not empowerment. There is ample room for a conversation and cultural negotiation about when and in what ways it is and isn’t appropriate to express interest or attraction. But one has to be prepared to allow it in the first place, before you can even participate in that conversation. There has to be a when and a way; and the when and the way shouldn’t be so restrictive as to be absurd. An honest society is preferable to a repressed one. And a society that can deal with honesty is preferable to one that cannot.

And this speaks to a problem I have with my female peers. We wear short skirts, revealing blouses, and essentially objectify ourselves in the name of making ourselves attractive and to give ourselves a competitive edge. Then, we cry “foul” when the wrong person dares confess they find us attractive. All of the sudden, a simple compliment or clumsy advance results in accusations of objectification and harassment as we morph into delicate flowers that will not ever overcome the horror of being told we have “nice legs” by that openly polyamorous, “creepy” guy that we’ve happily trotted-off to have a private conversation with.

Of course harassment exists, but common sense and self-assertion helps avert much of it. The reality is heterosexual men will be attracted to women, and a woman who seeks to be taken seriously at a business or school event should go prepared with that in mind. That means wearing comfortable, loose-fitting clothes that send no mixed messages. That means remaining close to a trusted group of peers. That means not wondering-off to talk about sex, in any capacity, alone with any man (provided you don’t share an attraction which opens you to advances). That means learning how to respond to unwanted advances with a witty, “If that’s your hook, I ain’t bitin’!” response to keep it friendly. Or, depending on the severity, provide a very loud, matter-of-fact, “Fuck-off with that shit!” If that doesn’t work, the pepper-spray stored in one’s pocket surely will.

But can my fellow “feminists,” for the love of God, stop playing into mousy female stereotypes?

I’m just saying personal accountability is a two-way street. It’s a two-way street turning into a one-way road of female self-victimization where the most minuscule of issues gets weaponized as “harassment”. That really bothers me because, like Little Red Riding Hood crying “Wolf” too many times, it diminishes very valid circumstances of genuine harassment. And, frighteningly, this isn’t limited to women.

It seems like more and more are in a competition to see who can be the most butt-hurt and cry about it in a safe space while the rest of us are forced to dance on overly-accommodating egg shells. I’m politically left-leaning, and I’m nauseated by the whining, crying absurdity of it all.

Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent frustrations that have been building for a while.

And, no… I’m not polyamorous. I’m damn near too much of an individualist to even bother with the occasional monogamous relationship.

I don’t know what “flirting without intent” is. Or what flirting has to do with “people who were bullied.”

The issues you don’t clearly describe sound like issues indeed to raise with your therapist.

This can happen to you anywhere. Just as in life generally. “What country can I go live in where I won’t get assaulted?” is not a useful question, either. But “Which country will I be less likely to be assaulted in?” is. And so far we have been successful in improving things on that measure at all major conventions I am aware of, to the point that the only improvements we can further make are (a) to continue advocating a culture that does not respect men who behave that way and (b) that supports victims and not perpetrators. This does not require believing every claim made (as I mention). But it does require not dismissing every claim simply because it was made by a woman.

I have not harassed anyone.

Do you think I inundate people’s email with insults and porn of them fucking goats or something? Or that I have endorsed or verbally high-fived doing that?

Writing one’s opinion up on their own blog is not harassment. Actual harassment is harassment. And positively endorsing or reacting to that harassment is being pro harassment. Notably, you won’t ever find any instance of my doing either.

If you haven’t figured that out by now, you have a problem.

You did say some things that really concern me though. You mention that several of your friends and girlfriends have been sexually assaulted at conferences in the last three years. As a woman that attends atheist conferences, this statement troubles me. I know that it has been more than three years since the problems of misogyny and harassment were brought to light in or community. I know that just about every conference of note has a sexual harassment policy now. I also know that you only speak at the conferences that are inclusive and welcoming to women, like skepticon. Yet apparently woman are still in grave danger of being sexually assaulted at these conferences. Which conferences are these sexual.assaults happening at? Please name names. I want to only attends conferences where I know I will be safe.

So you admit they don’t “horribly attack and harass anyone and everyone” who defends conference policies, only those who don’t have a sexist dudebro exemption?

They don’t mention or defend that fact either. They pretend that didn’t happen. Because those two guys are sexist dudebros, so they won’t badmouth them.

Because no one wants that. The movement loves the sex positive culture of conferences. Indeed, that’s one of the best things about it.

The problem isn’t sex (only prudes handwring over that). The problem is conducting oneself with etiquette and respect and less of a sense of entitlement or disregard.

Oddly enough, I cannot find any SlymePit attacks or harassment against Ron Lindsay or Russell Blackford for defending CFI’s anti-harassment policy.

http://skeptic-ink.tumblr.com/post/47526924795/i-support-the-cfi-conduct-policy-russell